Bonus family

Every Friday, Chase (5), Nova (3) and Amy (almost 1) spend the day with Nelleke Vaes (53) and her family. It gives their mother, Phoebe van Bogaert (25), some time to catch her breath. Phoebe lives in Caberg, while Nelleke lives in Heugem.

The two families met through Buurtgezinnen. The organisation connects families who need a little extra support with families who are willing to help. When Phoebe contacted Buurtgezinnen in 2024, she had already been through a difficult period. After a challenging relationship ended, she was raising Chase and Nova mostly on her own. Nova's health problems made life even harder. “Nova was often ill as a baby,” Phoebe says. “She had inflammation in her airways, which made it difficult for her to breathe. She slept badly, and so did I. I was always afraid she would stop breathing.” Several times, Phoebe had to take her two young children to hospital by herself.

Phoebe grew up with three sisters. One of her older sisters has physical and intellectual disabilities. Phoebe works as her caregiver and supports her regularly. She also helps her mother and sister with their family cleaning business whenever she can.

At some point, it all became too much. Phoebe was exhausted and overwhelmed. She started to withdraw from people around her. What worried her most was that she could not always give Chase the attention she wanted to. Nova needed a lot of care, and Chase was still too young to understand why his little sister often needed more of his mother's time. “I didn't want my children to remember me later as a stressed and unhappy mum,” Phoebe says.

Asking for help was not easy. For a long time, she felt she should manage everything herself. But she knew something had to change. Nelleke was able to offer the reliable support that was not always available within Phoebe's own network. 

Fridays with Nelleke

On Fridays, the children spend almost the whole day with Nelleke and her family. They play, go shopping, cook together or spend time outdoors.

“Nelleke has toys. Lots of toys,” says Chase. “A whole cupboard full. We also play outside, and Nelleke has footballs.”

By now, Nelleke knows that Chase loves milk rolls and enjoys relaxing on the sofa. Nova is happiest outdoors and never misses a butterfly. Every Friday, everyone gets to know baby Amy a little better too.

Nelleke's husband and her two sons, aged 20 and 22, are involved as well. They always try to see the children on Fridays. In fact, Chase has already added them to his friendship book.

A chance to breathe

Life has changed for Phoebe since then. She now has a new partner and together they welcomed Amy. Still, Fridays remain an important moment of rest. It is the day when Phoebe can do household tasks, run errands or simply relax. Once, she had so much unexpected free time that she ended up organising a cupboard because she did not know what else to do. “We really miss the children,” she says. “But it gives us a chance to breathe.”

The children benefit too. At Nelleke's house, the day is all about them. They receive attention, care and another place where they feel safe and welcome. The support from Nelleke, together with the arrival of her new partner, has made a huge difference. “I felt better about myself,” says Phoebe. “That helped the children feel better too. Things became calmer at home. I can be a more relaxed mum now, and I also have more energy for my family.”

Doing something that matters

Nelleke joined Buurtgezinnen because she wanted to help a family that could use some support. Her own sons are adults now, and there are no grandchildren yet. She runs a childminding agency and works as a coach in childcare. Fridays give her a chance to switch off from work. “I'm not thinking about my business then,” she says. “I'm fully present with the children.”

Why does she do this volunteer work? “You should do something that makes your eyes sparkle,” Nelleke says with a smile.

Families do not become support families overnight. Buurtgezinnen carefully screens potential families, talks to everyone involved and looks at what each family can offer. When Phoebe and her children first visited Nelleke, there was an immediate connection. Chase and Nova talked nonstop, asked lots of questions and explored every corner of the house. “In the end, the children chose Nelleke,” says Phoebe. 

More than volunteers

Being a support family is voluntary work, but it is also a commitment. “They count on me every Friday,” Nelleke says. That is why both families plan ahead. If a Friday is not possible, they sometimes arrange another afternoon instead. “Otherwise, I miss them for too long,” Nelleke laughs. 

At the same time, both families respect each other's boundaries. If Phoebe asks for help outside their regular arrangements, she always makes it clear that it is perfectly okay to say no.

Over time, Nelleke and her husband have become a bonus grandmother and bonus grandfather to the children. Nelleke tries to be present at every birthday. One year, she was on holiday during Chase's birthday, so she recorded a video singing Happy Birthday especially for him.

“Nelleke got to know me at my most vulnerable,” says Phoebe. “At a moment like that, you are trusting someone not only with your children, but also with yourself. It worked out beautifully. Everyone can be themselves, and everyone is treated as an equal.”

Phoebe hopes more people will contact Buurtgezinnen, both families looking for support and families willing to offer it. “I learned the hard way that family is not only the people you are related to,” she says. “Family is also the people you choose. I am very grateful for all the bonus people in my life.”